Good News! There’s Finally A Guide On How To Date A Vegan

I’m so excited. This is something we have all been dying for!

Welcome to TreeShagger, our new column on green dating. If you’ve got dating issues you want us to address in future columns, drop us a line.

Um, TreeShagger? Seriously? You’re having sex with trees?

No one knows what tempeh is. Seriously. Except for an elusive breed renowned for their hotness as well as their dexterity with soy. These people are called vegans.

So you’d like to get frisky with a vegan, eh? Here’s everything you need to know.

Vegans “partake not in the flesh nor the breast milk nor the ovum of anything with a face,” according to Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, obviously the most reliable source. (Ovum means egg. I Googled it for you.)

Personally, most of the vegans I see around tend to look emaciated and have little muscle tone, but, maybe that’s me. Nothing a good steak wouldn’t fix (sorry, just gave vegans the vapors). Anyhow

  • Folklore says vegans travel in packs. If you aren’t a vegan, you’ll need a strategy to break into the pack so you can wrestle away a mate. Start by stocking up on the following:
  • membership to rock-climbing gym
  • early Björk album
  • dreads or hipster haircut
  • fixed-gear bike
  • Thich Nhat Hanh book
  • yoga mat
  • facial piercing or tattoo
  • PETA paraphernalia

Nothin’ says lovin’ like facial cuts and scrapes from piercing’s and a good tramp stamp. You’re welcome to make fun of the rest on your own.

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7 Responses to “Good News! There’s Finally A Guide On How To Date A Vegan”

  1. captainfish says:

    Quote:
    No one knows what tempeh is.

    And we still don’t. Do we really want to know from a website promoting sex with trees?

    Quote:
    an elusive breed renowned for their hotness as well as their dexterity with soy. These people are called vegans.

    I’m with you Teach. I have yet to see a truly hot vegan who was happy with her fellow humans. Oh, I know some can point to Alicia Silverstone, but, sorry, you can’t convince me that she’s purely a veggie eater.

    One’s I have seen would rather shag a tree than a bar of soap.

    • Interestingly, Alicia’s last big film role was right before she went vegan. I’ll admit, could have something to do with her last big role in Batman and Robin

  2. […] Good News! There’s Finally A Guide On How To Date A Vegan Nothin’ says lovin’ like facial cuts and scrapes from piercing’s and a good tramp stamp. […]

  3. captainfish says:

    That movie was worse than the idea of her going vegan.

    Looks like vegan life is not doing too well on her.

    also, her next movie role will be as a porn actress. Moving on up in the world.

    Looks like she may also have gained about 40 pounds. Wonder what from? Brussell Sprouts?

  4. david says:

    Not one word on vegan gas. It is bad.

  5. mojo says:

    How come Batman and Robin both had nipples on their Bat-suits, but Batgirl didn’t? Hmmmmm?

  6. captainfish says:

    It’s SPECISM at its ugliest.

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