Christmas Time: Toys For Tots, The New White Meat, Nutballs

Usually, these stories tend to focus on Christmas haters doing Christmas hating things. Not today (well, not yet today, anyhow.) Let’s start with how you can help

The Marines have been making children’s Christmas dreams come true for nearly 60 years, but the corps may be seeing fewer smiles this year.

With demand up due to the poor economy and toy donations down, Toys for Tots, the Marine Corps’ program that distributes Christmas toys to children in need, is facing one of its toughest years, according to Bill Grein, the Toys for Tots Foundation vice president.

Grein said the program last year distributed approximately 16.6 million toys and books, but this year he doesn’t think they will be able to reach that number.

“We always run out of toys before we run out of children,” he said, but this year “it’s a major problem.”

Scroll down to the bottom of this Toys For Tots page, find a local drop off point. Toys are not the reason for the season, but, goodwill to Men is. (Yeah, Star Wars stuff is usually Rusty’s thing, but, still my favorite movie)

Toys for Tots

Next up, the other white meat

Are hard times threatening your Christmas dinner? Well then, Peru has the answer: guinea pig.

Officials in the coastal Peruvian province of Callao on Monday hailed the Andean rodent as a low-cost, low-fat alternative to a traditional turkey or roast pork Christmas dinner.

Guinea pigs can feed seven or eight for about $3.20, Callao official Mario Sanguinity told Associated Press Television.

Yummy!

And how about some nutters for Christmas

In George Orwell’s 1984, the language spoken was “newspeak” – an alternative way of speaking that proscribed language that was acceptable to the totalitarian system and which categorized non acceptable speech as “crimespeak.” Fox News has developed its own language which we could consider “Foxspeak” which includes “homicide bombing” and “Merry Christmas” as the only way to express seasons greetings (whoops is that “crimespeak?”). In Foxworld, those who don’t say “Merry Christmas” (even if you’re Jewish, there’s no exemption) are scorned and reviled. Despite the “peace on earth” message of Christian Christmas, Fox is determined to stir up hatred of those who are different – those who want to follow Christ’s message of inclusivity and tolerance. Thus, in twisting the real meaning of Christmas, the Fox Christmas is a truly bizarro world experience. But Fox is America’s Christian network and they’re mounting a crusade. As we have learned from past crusades, all kinds of hatred can be justified if “God is on your side.” This week Fox&Friends reinforced the message that you’d better say “Merry Christmas” or you’ll be on the Santa Fox naughty list. What would Jesus think? Fox&Friends has the answer.

“I’m, having, a seething nutjob Chriiiiiiis….mas! With every Fox Derangement breath I take.”

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2 Responses to “Christmas Time: Toys For Tots, The New White Meat, Nutballs”

  1. Carl Gordon says:

    Well, looking out the barred window of my cell, it’s that time of the year again when suicide rates and alcohol recidivism are up and, based on the prospect of having to spend an evening with parents and/or siblings, positive outlooks on life are down. But never fear as it is that joyous time of the year, and the signs, mange-like, are all around us:

    – – – – Mall management have installed seasonal gingerbread and spice air fresheners in all the restrooms so as to confuse any blind person that has to take a dump.

    – – – – All Santas have sworn an oath to only play “find the special candy cane” with children seven years old and up.

    – – – – The parking lot security personnel have enacted a special policy whereas they only break into cars with out of state license plates, thereby ensuring that they’ll be drunk, screwed, blued, tattooed, and long gone by the time any formidable legal action can be enacted.

    – – – – All non-profit charity staff have been instructed to mutter “Whoa! Don’t bust the bank at Monte Carlo, you cheap fuck!” only at persons they have a reasonable certainty they could incapacitate and outrun with a well-aimed empty bottle of Thunderbird.

    – – – – Sporting goods store have discounted all ammo and knives just in time for holiday get-togethers.

    – – – – To supplement the usual price-gouging, all department stores have gone out of their way to hire slack-jawed, mouth-breathing, basic math flunkies for cashiers, floor people, and the returns department.

    – – – – All music department employees have been given extra training in eye-rolling and imbecilic put-downs when ringing up purchases. Special salary upgrades and bonus incentives to those personnel with the worst, self-absorbed tattoos and piercings.

    – – – – The U.S. Postal Service has hired out-of-work NFL place kickers to load all mail labeled “fragile”.

    – – – – Because of strict environmental regulations forbidding the large scale dumping of slaughterhouse refuse in the ocean, for one time only: the McRib is back!

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