Good for a Monday:
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the
statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to
eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the
middle of it.
Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their
maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to
you for the rest of the day.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
Never buy a car you can’t push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then
you don’t have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you
live.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the
world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are
pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different
colors, but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a
detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.
If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you’ll get what you want.
Don’t go out without ID.
Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their shoes.
Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you’re dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
If it’s not wet and sloppy, it’s not a real kiss
“It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.”
When I was a younger fellow, and starting to put on a little weight, my mother used to point out large people in public places, and tell me. “See, that’s what will happen to you. Do you want to end up looking like that?”
Well, my answer was no, but I did it anyway, and now I’m the one mothers point out to their chubby kids in hope of scaring them thin. I guess it never occured to my mom, or moms now that fat people can actually hear. Oh well, I hope the tactic works for someone, because Diabetes, asthma, hypertension, sleep apnea, and the ridicule of strangers are all large burdens to bear, not to mention my weight. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.