Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don’t serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I’ll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The green, green grass of home’."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It’s not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don’t believe you," said Dolly. "It’s true, no bull!"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink
says, "Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I’ve lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I’m positive…"
Answer-phone message
"… If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bullsh#t before
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
" My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let’s have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I’m going to have to put him down."
" What? Because he’s cross-eyed?"
" No, because he’s really heavy"
Two elephants walk off a cliff…… boom boom!
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my
dad……or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I’m pretty sure it’s Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find
any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t
reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, ‘no, the steaks are too
high.’
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco rave last week…. and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and
heat it too.
A man walks into doctor’s office."What seems to be the problem?" asks the
doc.
" It’s… um… well… I have five penises." replies the man.
" Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
" Like a glove."
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I’ll man the guns, you drive"
