Dan Rather Most Trusted To Forge Document, Poll Says

CBS news anchor Dan Rather is America’s most trusted news anchor to forge documents or assist in forgery, according to a new poll.
The survey, conducted by independent researchers, concluded the American people “overwhelmingly” approve Rather’s forgery skills over his two main counterparts, ABC anchor Peter Jennings and NBC anchor Tom Brokaw.

Poll results showed 82% preferred Rather to “assist in forgery,” compared to just 11% for Jennings and 7% for Brokaw.

“Danny Boy at least tried to forge,” said one anonymous survey participant, referring to Rather’s rather shady activity in President Bush’s disputed National Guard records. “Brokaw probably wouldn’t even attempt it, and Pete lacks Dan’s gravitas in such matters. Pete seems too…honest for forgery.”

CBS released a statement that said, “When it comes to honesty and integrity in forgery, the American people trust Dan Rather.”

Poll researchers stressed that the results don’t portray Rather as “America’s Most Trusted News Anchor,” but “The Guy 82% Of American News Junkies Picked To Forge Documents.”

“A slight difference between those titles, don’t you think,” one researcher said.

Researchers also warned that Rather shouldn’t be trusted in delivering the news, based on a report yesterday in which Rather said, “Hurricane Isaac pounded the Pacific coast of Idaho for the third straight day.”

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2 Responses to “Dan Rather Most Trusted To Forge Document, Poll Says”

  1. Dragonbait says:

    More Dan Rather Humor:
    Scientist Discovers Space Alien in Modern Temple (from http://www.cynicmag.com)

    Scientist Johnathan B Vaterclausen was participating in morning prayer when he came to the startling conclusion that he had forgotten to wear his pants to temple. Worse, feeling a draft, he’d realized he’d also forgotten his underwear.

    Deciding to play ignorant, Vaterclausen ignored the stares of fellow temple-goers, quickly realizing he was mistaken about his lack of clothing and that he was actually fully clothed. Disappointed, he arose to find himself face to face with space alien Harry Lankersham.

    “At first, I thought it was strange that he had a name like Harry Lankersham, but it made sense to me that an alien adapting to a new culture would probably be assimilating into its host society. It was at this point, when he stuck his tongue in my ear, that I could feel his soul pass between bodies and into my brain where we waged a fierce battle over which channel my fingers would choose to click on using my television’s remote control tonight when I got home. Apparently being a newly immigrated alien to the United States, Harry could not afford television or cable TV.”

    “I found it difficult living with an alien entity inside of my brain — we always had to agree to do things together as a team. Finally, when our pay-per-view charges on our cable bill got too high, Harry and I decided to go with NetFlix and cancel our cable service altogether.”

    “My wife’s had a hard time adjusting to Harry being in my brain, especially in bed” Vaterclausen confided. “Apparently the anatomy of women is different on Harry’s homeworld and he’d perpetrated many an unpleasant thing when he’d take control of my body. Then there was the peanut butter and tofu fiasco between me, Harry and that poor meter maid. It don’t think the three of us will ever live it down.”

    When asked why he hadn’t approached more reputable news organizations with his story, Vaterclausen replied, “Well, there was that time Dan Rather approached us along with his Sixty Minutes crew, asking us if we knew anything about the wherabouts of President Bush during the year of 1973. Not only did did I give him the 411 on the Pres’s 10-20, but I printed him out his very own set of National Guard documents. He asked me how I could vouch for the authenticity of the documents and I told him ‘C’mon man, there’s an alien soul in my head feeding me this stuff. What more proof do you need?'”

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  2. larry Edward Cope says:

    DEAR DAN, I think that you are the GREATEST news repotrer.I was up sit when i heard that someone hit you .I will always cherres your news cast. I alwasy watch your NESW report I will not watch anyone else. Why because as i said you are the greastest My PRAY is that you DAN have a wonderful life ahead of you. I will see tou each time that you give the NEWS.I wish you the greatest in life and may GOD bless you and your FAMILY WITH ALL MY LOVE TO YOU. SIGNED. Larry Edward Cope DATE is NOVEMBER the 25ft 2004 p.s. take care. Larry

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