What Better Gift Is There At 15 Then A Vibrator?

A few weeks late to fit into RS McCain’s Offend a Feminist Week (also here,) but, as Cassy Fiano says “Eeeeeewwwwwww!” (it’s long, so, underneath the inline more tag)

Darling Daughter,

You have ripened before my eyes, and I marvel at the incandescent changes. Your hormones are in overdrive, and I swear that I can hear them humming as they reshape your body and wreck havoc with your moods.

As your mother, I want your journey into womanhood to be only filed with rich discoveries and free of fear; as a woman, I know that is asking the impossible. But here is what I can offer: some advice and a very practical gift.

Obama Dildo

Obama Dildo

Sex with the right partner will be tender and fun, fast and furious, dizzying and daring. But this doesn’t happen overnight. The very important first step is self-knowledge, and that’s why this note comes attached to a vibrator. Women’s bodies are mysterious and mercurial and require unhurried exploration. I want you to fully explore your own body before you share it with someone else. Why? Because I want you to discover the wonderful point of orgasm when your mind ceases to function and the growing ripples rise and erupt into shudders that will transport you. Encode that in your memory, and take notice of how your body and thoughts gradually establish their fragile equilibrium.

Please, sweetheart, don’t settle for anything less.

When you find yourself at the mercy of inexpert fumbling (and you will), I want you to have intimate knowledge of exactly what you like and want. This will be your power. Use it gently.

I’m also giving you this gift because you are kindling, and every touch, every kiss is an incendiary spark. You will not be capable of extinguishing the desire, but a vibrator gives you a highly effective option to quench your sexual thirst. Before you engage in sex, ask yourself two questions. Do I trust this person? Does s/he make me feel good about myself?

Years ago, I was in the throes of an obsessive affair, and a very wise friend sat me down and asked me. “Would you give this man the keys and the Title to your car?” It seemed a ludicrous query. Of course I wouldn’t. I barely knew him. “And yet,” she continued, “you are willing to give him your body and your heart. Aren’t they more precious than a car?”

I have ruminated over this question many times, with many men. If I can’t exclaim “YES!” definitely and unequivocally, I slow things down. I hope you will do the same.

Too many of your friends will take huge emotional and physical risks to explore intense sexual sensations. A vibrator offers you the chance to celebrate your passion, to inject yourself with a boost of adrenaline, and build the scaffolding of your sexuality without risk or fear. Experience your own impulses and appetites first; you will have years to communicate and honor these self-truths with another.

I love you.

2009-05-31

Ya know, usually most guys will get a bit excited when the worlds “women” “vibrator” and “orgasm” are used together, but, eeeeewwwww! Icky.  Athena Bradford, who originally posted the letter at Feministing, already has a vibrator picked out for her daughter. I wonder if it’s a Hello Kitty one? Does it have a big carbon footprint? She’s also written “The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Vibrators.” Nope, still not getting excited.

+o(+o(+o(+o(+o(L-)#-o Unfortunately, I did not enable that full barfing emoticon.

Obama vibrator is just a bonus.

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4 Responses to “What Better Gift Is There At 15 Then A Vibrator?”

  1. Rush Street says:

    You have GOT to be kidding. This is sick. WHAT is America coming to — moms are giving barely teen daughters vibrators. SOMEONE needs to go to CHURCH!!!

  2. me says:

    Brilliant mother! Except, I recommend a little earlier. Let her start enjoying herself alone, who needs boys, at 14. Self-pleasure in her own bed, much better than bad boys in back seats.

  3. manbearpig says:

    Judging by her reactions whenever she is around him, I think that Nancy Pelosi must have one of these.

  4. Oh, I so did not need to read that comment, MBP, right at breakfast time 😀

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