Good News: There’s No Constitutional Right To Marry A Laptop

At least not in Utah. The 9th Circuit could probably find a way to make this happen

Utah says there is no constitutional right to marry your laptop

There is no constitutional right to marry a laptop, the Utah Attorney General’s Office said in a new court filing.
Responding to a lawsuit filed against Governor Gary Herbert, Attorney General Sean Reyes, and Utah County Clerk Bryan Thompson, lawyers for the state asked a federal judge to dismiss it.

Chris Sevier sued the state of Utah, arguing that if same-sex marriage is legal he should be allowed to marry his computer. He recently amended his lawsuit to include John Gunter, Jr., and Whitney Kohl, who are arguing for the right to enter into a polygamous marriage.

Sevier has a history of filing similar lawsuits in other states. He is acting as his own attorney in this lawsuit, and has been barred from practicing law in Tennessee.

“Plaintiffs contend that because the courts have recognized same-sex individuals’ right to marry, this Court should further expand the right to marry to include unions between a person and a laptop computer and unions between multiple partners,” assistant Utah Attorney General David Wolf wrote in the filing, adding:

“These claims are untenable as a matter of law because Plaintiffs lack standing to bring these claims and the right to marry has not been indefinitely expanded, nor should it be. Simply put, marrying a laptop computer or multiple partners are not rights protected by the Constitution.”

This is, in fact, a real story. This is not the Onion or other satire site. You can make the case that if gay marriage is allowed under the Constitution, because love, then bigamy and polygamy should be allowed. An inanimate object? No. Well, maybe a smartphone, considering how hooked people are on them, but, really, they fall out of love about ever 1 1/2 to 2 years.

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3 Responses to “Good News: There’s No Constitutional Right To Marry A Laptop”

  1. Dana says:

    The laptop idea is silly, because a computer is not a person. However, polygamy is limited to people, and has been something practiced throughout recorded history; it makes a lot more sense than same-sex ‘marriage.’

  2. Nate says:

    The Supremes decided in Obergefell that somewhere within the penumbras and emanations of the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment that there’s a constitutional right to SSM.

    Yet there’s no Constitutional right to any OTHER kind of marriage.

    Strikes me the Obergefell decision violates the Equal Protection Clause.

  3. Jeffery says:

    Sevier is a 30-something lawyer, old-fashioned christian conservative and anti-gay/anti-same sex marriage activist nut who has filed similar lawsuits in several states.

    In his defense, he is described as suffering PTSD from Iraq and has been declared incompetent by Tennessee.

    From the Utah AG:  “Furthermore, … unless Sevier’s computer has attained the age of 15, it is too young to marry under Utah law.” LOL.

    Sevier sued Apple Inc. in 2013 for facilitating access to online porn which eventually ruined his marriage to a real woman.

    from that lawsuit:

    In the 1950s, before there was in the internet and the ACLU, we had prayer in school, males were not flaming out academically, there was no need for viagra commercials to clog up our televisions late at not, homosexuals were substantially fewer in number, sex trafficking was virtually nonexistent, prostitution was way down, and child porn was unheard of. Why are things different – easily accessible pornography accessible through high speed internet and devices like Apple products is one contributing factor in that complex answer.

    He also sued the A&E network and then President Obama in 2013 for suspending Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson, claiming the suspension would have a chilling effect on the practice of christianity, and further the pro-gay agenda. The best line from that suit, “We live in a Christian nation, ‘Jack’!”

    This was all funny a few years ago, but now in Trumplandia who knows what fantastical ideas can take root and grow in the manure-filled fertile soil of the newly fertilized American right!

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