- – – – Mall management have installed seasonal gingerbread and spice air fresheners in all the restrooms so as to confuse any blind person that has to take a dump.

- – – – All Santas have sworn an oath to only play “find the special candy cane” with children seven years old and up.

- – – – The parking lot security personnel have enacted a special policy whereas they only break into cars with out of state license plates, thereby ensuring that they’ll be drunk, screwed, blued, tattooed, and long gone by the time any formidable legal action can be enacted.

- – – – All non-profit charity staff have been instructed to mutter “Whoa! Don’t bust the bank at Monte Carlo, you cheap fuck!” only at persons they have a reasonable certainty they could incapacitate and outrun with a well-aimed empty bottle of Thunderbird.

- – – – Sporting goods store have discounted all ammo and knives just in time for holiday get-togethers.

- – – – To supplement the usual price-gouging, all department stores have gone out of their way to hire slack-jawed, mouth-breathing, basic math flunkies for cashiers, floor people, and the returns department.

- – – – All music department employees have been given extra training in eye-rolling and imbecilic put-downs when ringing up purchases. Special salary upgrades and bonus incentives to those personnel with the worst, self-absorbed tattoos and piercings.

- – – – The U.S. Postal Service has hired out-of-work NFL place kickers to load all mail labeled “fragile”.

- – – – Because of strict environmental regulations forbidding the large scale dumping of slaughterhouse refuse in the ocean, for one time only: the McRib is back!